My Dad finally passed away last night. I don’t know how to feel yet – the horrors of the last week make me feel glad that it is finally over for him, and I can’t get past that to deal with loss and grief. I suppose that will come after we’ve all had some time to process it, but at the moment I just feel anesthetized.

My father taught us how to ride, how to dress a deer, how to shoot, how to drive. He gave all of us a lifelong sense of honesty and an intolerance for lies. Although we never had much money, most weekends were spent with us kids: camping, hiking, hauling us to horse shows, etc. I’ll never be as strong as my father was (or as good a person). I wish I had a picture of his office, and all of the plaques and commendations that he has received for his work in the community. I hope that this wall of memorabilia won’t be dispersed amongst the family, but instead stays together with one person – taken together, it’s quite a testament to the man that he was.

I feel sorry for myself, as I miss him terribly. I feel gutted. He was the strong spine of our family, the one who bound us all together and helped us stand tall. I can’t imagine us all without him.


7 thoughts on “Remembrance

  1. My deepest sympathies, Ravven. My father died while rather young…52…I was in my 30s. It pretty much rocked my world. I still find myself thinking to reach for the phone to ask him a question, “I’ll ask dad…,” only to remember there’s no one there to ask. I am constantly thinking about how cool it would have been if he, a bass musician, had had a chance to meet my musician wife. It gets easier as time passes and the scars heal, but you’ll always feel it. Do what you got to do; feel what you got to feel, but be easy on yourself. All my best thoughts and heart-felt prayers…

  2. Sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great person and I have a feeling he’s quite proud of you. Soon you can choose between pain and good memories to pick which one sticks around.

  3. Thank you all, best wishes are very much appreciated. My sisters and I are still numb (as one sister said, everything feels so unreal), but in time I know that we’ll be able to remember all the good times that we had as a family. And Sunwolfe, I still think about things that my mom has to see or hear, and she’s been gone for two years. :)

  4. My own relationship with my family is so weird and twisted that I feel like I never know what to say when someone has a family tragedy.

    So I’ll just say I’m sorry for your loss, M.

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