Remembrance

My Dad finally passed away last night. I don’t know how to feel yet – the horrors of the last week make me feel glad that it is finally over for him, and I can’t get past that to deal with loss and grief. I suppose that will come after we’ve all had some time to process it, but at the moment I just feel anesthetized.

My father taught us how to ride, how to dress a deer, how to shoot, how to drive. He gave all of us a lifelong sense of honesty and an intolerance for lies. Although we never had much money, most weekends were spent with us kids: camping, hiking, hauling us to horse shows, etc. I’ll never be as strong as my father was (or as good a person). I wish I had a picture of his office, and all of the plaques and commendations that he has received for his work in the community. I hope that this wall of memorabilia won’t be dispersed amongst the family, but instead stays together with one person – taken together, it’s quite a testament to the man that he was.

I feel sorry for myself, as I miss him terribly. I feel gutted. He was the strong spine of our family, the one who bound us all together and helped us stand tall. I can’t imagine us all without him.

 



7 thoughts on “Remembrance”

  • My deepest sympathies, Ravven. My father died while rather young…52…I was in my 30s. It pretty much rocked my world. I still find myself thinking to reach for the phone to ask him a question, “I’ll ask dad…,” only to remember there’s no one there to ask. I am constantly thinking about how cool it would have been if he, a bass musician, had had a chance to meet my musician wife. It gets easier as time passes and the scars heal, but you’ll always feel it. Do what you got to do; feel what you got to feel, but be easy on yourself. All my best thoughts and heart-felt prayers…

  • Sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great person and I have a feeling he’s quite proud of you. Soon you can choose between pain and good memories to pick which one sticks around.

  • Thank you all, best wishes are very much appreciated. My sisters and I are still numb (as one sister said, everything feels so unreal), but in time I know that we’ll be able to remember all the good times that we had as a family. And Sunwolfe, I still think about things that my mom has to see or hear, and she’s been gone for two years. :)

  • My own relationship with my family is so weird and twisted that I feel like I never know what to say when someone has a family tragedy.

    So I’ll just say I’m sorry for your loss, M.

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