Stressed

This was a very, very hard week, culminating in the day from hell on Friday: multiple, ultra-urgent projects and code changes, one after another, just getting a handle on solving one issue and then being yanked away to some more urgent project. Byt the end of the day I was practically shaking, and my stomach was so upset. I’m not really a programmer, I have some knowledge in ASP which I am trying to translate over to the current java-based site. This generally involves looking at code where we’ve done something similar and trying to chop and adapt it to do something else. I can usually figure things through given time and quiet to do it in, but I have an extremely difficult time working like this. We don’t test anything thoroughly, code just gets thrown up on the server and we’re pulled off in another direction, trying to remember that said code changes need to be cleaned up and thoroughly tested later. Code on the dev box works somewhat differently in the UAT environment, and has TOTALLY unexpected results in the production environment. Try working like that…code that you are confident is bug-free in a preview environment stops working when published live to the site…it’s a nightmare.

Kip was a monster the other night. He was sluggish and pissy, and absolutely refused to canter at all. When I reached the point where I really, really wanted to hit him, I got off and asked Jane (who is an extremely strong rider, both physically and mentally) to just get him into canter so we could quit on a better note. She did, but he was really nasty about it: he bucked like an absolute pig, and lashed out with his hind feet to show that he wasn’t happy about the whole enterprise. He’s such a shit sometimes.

And then, today we go out on the most wonderful hack, and he was an angel. Even being on the extremely busy four-lane road through town with both a speed bike and a huge lorry with air brakes didn’t phase him at all. I don’t know what to do about him…most of the time I want to kill him, and sometimes he is a sweetie.

Sometimes you need to do a slash-and-burn on your life. You need to say “nothing is working right now, and I am going to start cutting areas of my life out that are miserable.” Like selling Kip, like getting a new job. I have lupus, which is made worse by stress, and my joints at the moment feel as though they are made of shattered glass. I was curled up in an armchair reading the other day, and went to push up with one hand to sit straighter, and I literally screamed at the sudden pain. I have to get out of this job.

Anyway, I have to get out of riding clothes and go shopping…mostly for animal food, vitamins and such for Aja, and the homeopathic remedy I used to use for my joints when they were really bad.



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