• Personal

    Struggling

    I know that many of us (just judging by Twitter) are struggling with the energy to meet each day, to do our jobs, to meet deadlines and conquer challenges, in the current dark and mean times. I know it’s not just me.

    I also know that I have a wonderful situation in that I work for myself, from home rather than in the small, grey cubicle that I spent so many year inhabiting. I’m not ungrateful for that. And yet, I still struggle to get through every day. Sometimes I have weeks in which I haven’t left the house once, or talked to another person who isn’t my husband, or felt like a real human rather than a ghost drifting through these quiet rooms.

    This is all complaining, of course…I am aware of that. :) I just seem to have forgotten how to live my own life, and I’m not sure what to do about that.

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  • Personal

    2010 Can Kiss Mah Butt

    2010 hasn’t been one of my most favourite years ever, to be honest. In terms of suckability it definitely ranks right up there with any years short of those containing a personal experience with a major natural disaster or life-threatening disease.

    What were the highlights of 2010? Let’s recap.

    1. My mother died this spring after a long battle with motor neuron disease (Lou Gehrig’s Disease).
    2. Although I’d rushed my tickets back to the States to be with her, I was late by a matter of a few days. I was in time for the funeral, though.
    3. My father is currently struggling with cancer, and is at this writing in the hospital recovering from an extremely major surgery to try to take the most virulent bits out.
    4. The job situation you all know about.
    5. We’re broke. When you go from making £65k to less than half that, it’s tough – you still have all of the debts from your previous lifestyle. On the other hand, however, you learn that you can be happy without all of the toys and luxuries, so I suppose that was a very good lesson to learn.
    6. Depression has been…grim. Grim in a very dark and scary way.
    7. My daughter and I just started speaking again, after a very long estrangement (not of my choice). She just had a baby, which makes me a…I can’t say it! Bad influence, I suppose. :)
    8. This weekend I bit down at the wrong angle, and heard/felt a terrible crunch as a tooth on the bottom in front broke under the gumline. It’s still there, and I’m careful to keep it there until I can get to a dentist, but it hurts like a BASTARD. Cold things hurt. Hot things hurt. I daren’t bite anything.
    9. And this morning? The water pipes at the house have frozen. If they’re in the ceiling, if they’ve burst, if they’ve burst in the ceiling, it’s going to be bad. Fingers crossed.

    So as far as I’m concerned, 2010 can kiss my damn butt and get the hell out the door, the sooner the better. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Here’s hoping and praying for a better year next year.

  • Personal

    Blue

    I haven’t posted in a long time, I know.

    Most people who read this blog (all three of you) know that I’ve struggled with depression off and on for a long time. For always, to be perfectly honest. And this year it has been extremely bad. I don’t show it, except perhaps to the people who know me best – but it has been rough.

    I lost my mother early this year, and my dad is presently struggling with cancer. He goes in for surgery (unless he decides at the last minute not to go through with any of it) tomorrow. My daughter and I spent a large part of this year completely estranged from each other. The economy and job market is depressingly bad, and recently someone was just hired in my job. Without any discussion, all duties and responsibilities just taken away, leaving me to drift like a ghost. (My fault, I suppose, for not being able to grow a penis.) It’s not been the best year ever, I have to admit.

    And yet…everything isn’t entirely hopeless. I’m working at making new business ventures a reality, and trying to remake my life. So, not much fun and games, and little to write about that isn’t depressing, but there are some bright spots on occasion.

    There is no night without at least a touch of light…and daybreak always comes.

  • Personal

    too late

    The women in our family get “feelings”. We have dreams, and we have presentiments of things which may or (more often, to be honest) may not come true. When my aunt Linda “had a feeling” that she needed to fly from Florida to visit my mother, she booked her ticket and went. I was coming later, due to fly out from the UK just prior to Easter.

    My mom passed away last night.

    I haven’t been home in a long time. During Top Sekrit Projekt, I was putting everything into a startup. It was going to be my Facebook, my career-maker. I didn’t make the time to go home as often as I should. Then with the advent of the recession, the project failed, and we went from having a very comfortable living to trying to survive on practically nothing – with no jobs to be had, anywhere. Eventually I clawed my way back from that precipice, but I was too damned broke to go back home. So I waited for times to be better. And then it was too late.

    You can never get that time back. You can never undo mistakes like that. Sometimes you never get the chance to say “sorry”. You never get the chance to say “I love you”. You don’t get the chance to be a better daughter, to love someone in the way that they should be loved.

    And that is eating at me. I can’t get away from it. I can’t take it back, and I can’t make it better. There are no do-overs.

    I love you, Mom.