The women in our family get “feelings”. We have dreams, and we have presentiments of things which may or (more often, to be honest) may not come true. When my aunt Linda “had a feeling” that she needed to fly from Florida to visit my mother, she booked her ticket and went. I was coming later, due to fly out from the UK just prior to Easter.
My mom passed away last night.
I haven’t been home in a long time. During Top Sekrit Projekt, I was putting everything into a startup. It was going to be my Facebook, my career-maker. I didn’t make the time to go home as often as I should. Then with the advent of the recession, the project failed, and we went from having a very comfortable living to trying to survive on practically nothing – with no jobs to be had, anywhere. Eventually I clawed my way back from that precipice, but I was too damned broke to go back home. So I waited for times to be better. And then it was too late.
You can never get that time back. You can never undo mistakes like that. Sometimes you never get the chance to say “sorry”. You never get the chance to say “I love you”. You don’t get the chance to be a better daughter, to love someone in the way that they should be loved.
And that is eating at me. I can’t get away from it. I can’t take it back, and I can’t make it better. There are no do-overs.
I love you, Mom.